i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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