i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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