If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Randomize
