i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
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A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
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She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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