I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
