literally had 100 drinks last night.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Randomize
