I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Randomize
