All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
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Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
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I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
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