I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
