im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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