If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
yes we did fuck in his chapter room. yes it was demeaning. and yes, they probably will discuss it at chapter tonight.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
