i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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