It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Randomize
