I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
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