I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
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i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
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I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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