i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
