I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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