On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I just forgot I was standing up.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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