If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
we're so committed to being not committed
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
