I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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