How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
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I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
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you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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