At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Randomize
