dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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