dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
