Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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