I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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