I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Just high enough for therapy.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
