I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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