what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
