So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
