That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
