Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
