Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
porn star boner night. come get it.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
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