I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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