im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
