my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
you had me at cake vodka
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
