I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I just gargled with NyQuil
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
