from now on my penis is your penis
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
