this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
