I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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