Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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