At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize
