So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
