Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Randomize
