The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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