dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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