i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Acid is not a monday night drug
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
