i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
My vagina just recognized that song.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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