Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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