mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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