seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
