im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Vodka?
Forever.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
