There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Randomize
