Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Randomize
