I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
