somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
