why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
